Our adult happiness lies rooted in the soil of our childhood. Instinctively, we bonded to our mothers for survival and eventually understood the protective potential of our fathers. All can agree that our basis of love stems from these early interactions. Rather than bandy about the countless theories concerning “mommy” and “daddy” issues, let’s begin with the idea that you have come to terms with your past and are eager to move forward into your own loving relationship. The best predictor of one’s future behavior is to look at past behavior. By looking at your actions, can you say that you’ve fallen in love with the most important person…yourself? Without arrogance and hubris, do you LOVE the person you have become?
1. Love yourself
It is impossible to give deep love to another if you don’t hold it within yourself. Bitterness can’t be hidden for long; its flavor will spoil the love you’ve found and set you back onto the repeat cycle of dead end relationships. By loving the person you are, you accept your humanity which is made up of inadequacies and accomplishments. The pressure is off then! The person you seek will not have the burden of “fixing” you because you’ve accepted yourself wholly. Having that comfort allows you to be open and accepting of others, and the exchange of emotions can begin.
2. Set aside your ego
Mutation of oneself to better fit into a relationship is a necessary sacrifice. It certainly does not mean that you have to give up your personal identity, but if the love you seek will be bound in truth, it is a fact that “to receive much, one must give much.” Setting aside your ego to explore what is best for the couple versus what is best for the individual will be a daily choice. There is a sweet spot that each couple must find which will give them independence but also a level of healthy co-dependence.
3. Be clear with expectations
You love yourself, you feel you love another, and the couple you have become has great potential. Did both of you come into the relationship with clear expectations? If the love is TRUE in the sense that you’re seeking, then the discussions of what you hope your duo will evolve into will not be an issue. Love is vulnerability and if two people cannot be open and supportive of each other’s concerns or expectations, then are you in the kind of love which you seek?
4. Don’t make promises
Although that sounds harsh and against what you may believe encompasses true love, the pressure of a promise can cause an ultimate break. Instead, try expressing yourself with INTENTION. Intention adds the truth to love; humans are weakest when we’ve made ourselves vulnerable. We feed our inner fear when we add the pressure of “I promise to love you forever.” Intellectually, we see that love can’t be perfect because we are imperfect people. Thus, the rantings of heartbroken lovers are as old as mankind. Instead of the fear that “promises are meant to be broken,” embrace the concept that you will “pay attention to the intention.”
5. Check the chemistry
TRUE LOVE is based on chemical reactions. Rather than feel deflated by this fact, celebrate it. The hormonal functions that set off “chemistry” between two people are miraculous. Preparing yourself mentally and emotionally by taking care of yourself will help you sort through the “love fog” after it lifts and you can then enjoy the benefits of a mutually fulfilling relationship. Those who have celebrated countless happy anniversaries give common advice–true love begins after the initial chemistry has ended. Take the time to learn how your particular chemistry is best kept alive.
